Dave Matthews sucks's topics - tribe.net

Everything Dave Matthews Does Now Annoying

2008-12-21T18:43:36Z

by Matt Loker, prefers John Mayer

In a paper published in the scientific journal Nature, behavioral scientists at Duke University have concluded that Dave Matthews is annoying in every conceivable way, up to and including his breathing. It was catalogued as “labored” and “having a little whistle.”
The team of researchers, led by Psychologist Emmet Forbes, pored over all available evidence to disprove the oft-heard colloquialism, “Everything Dave Matthews does is annoying.” What they found amazed even the most skeptical of the faculty.
“Yep. Everything. He can’t even use the bathroom without being annoying,” commented Dr. Forbes. “When he tried that, his leavings ended up all over a boatful of tourists.” There was also the unfortunate incident of his VH1 Storytellers appearance, which science measured at an off-the-charts 73 Daly Units.
When asked for his response, Matthews looked way too far into your eyes and made a fart sound with his mouth. He then added a box of Kashi Friends cereal to his Trader Joe’s basket, which also contained a stick of that organic deodorant that never works well enough.

from Heuristic Squelch, UC Berkeley's satire publication trying to be like the Onion
www.squelched.com/

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 4 replies

good stuff!

2007-10-27T03:58:49Z

from http://www.tbotcotw.com/archives/000178.php

oh my. You guys that hate dave are just jealous little pricks who are too lame to actually listen to his music and try to understand its meaning. he is a lyrical genius and his guitar skills are immaculate. i love his music. i love his voice. i love how deep and full of feeling his lyrics are. basically, i adore him and the whole concept of his band. so, before you knock him - take a minute to listen to him and notice all the good he’s done for charitable organizations. And before you call him unoriginal, notice that there are only so many who are like him cause they ‘imitate’ him. don’t knock them either, imitation IS the best form of flattery.

losers.

mandyyyy

Posted by: MandyLeigh on May 26, 2005 at 12:19 AM MDT

Hey- I love a challenge! Unfortunately Mandyyyy… you are not much of one:

“oh my. You guys that hate dave are just jealous little pricks who are too lame to actually listen to his music and try to understand its meaning.”

For your information, I am a guitar instructor of 9 years teaching experience with an AA in music, and have had many an unfortunate opportunity to ‘listen’ to his ‘music’ in full detail for purposes of analysis and transcription. The only meaning that I can gather (and you have made this readily apparent- ‘jealous little pricks’? C’mon haven’t you gotten past 6th grade yet?) Is that it is music for non-imaginative human propagators keen on mediocrity. It is clear that his guitar chops have the nutritional equivalent of a Twinkie and the waters of his deep lyrical genius couldn’t fill a bloody thimble. He’s all marketing and no art. C’mon, how many Germans thought Hitler was great at first?!

“he is a lyrical genius and his guitar skills are immaculate.”

This is not entirely your fault here- your lack of listening skills are most likely due to the erosion of your local school systems arts program. I will sum up Dave’s playing thusly:

Badly fretted I-ii-V chord progression with lots of buzz… String mute “chukka chukka”… repeat…

OR

Oddly timed riff… Badly fretted I-ii-V chord progression with lots of buzz… String mute “chukka chukka”… repeat…

Not to mention the fact that the songs all have the same ABCABC structure ad infinitum, ad nauseum. For Matthews, who claims to be a huge fan of Frank Zappa, it is easily surmised that he is more interested in money than being a part of the fluid evolution of art.

“i love his music. i love his voice. i love how deep and full of feeling his lyrics are. basically, i adore him and the whole concept of his band.”

His band is actually a set of great jazzers. They’d be FAR more interesting if they fired his no chops hokey ass!

Concept?! There is no concept to this band. Please, quit grasping at straws and attempt to make a statement that you can actually back up. Your vague references hold absolutely no bearing on anything and are obviously just an attempt to make this sound like you might have a clue. But you don’t. So, next point…

“ so, before you knock him - take a minute to listen to him and notice all the good he’s done for charitable organizations. And before you call him unoriginal, notice that there are only so many who are like him cause they ‘imitate’ him.”

Your last sentence wouldn’t be acceptable to a remedial Language Arts class. Your cause and effect approach falls short of something a room full of monkeys attempting to write Shakespeare could easily have strung together. Here’s a little tip from me to you… when you’re coming up with your sentences… HAVE A POINT! It makes it so much more interesting for the reader!

On another front, lemmings always imitate each other, right before they leap off of the cliff. Good riddance to bad bloody rubbish. Mandyyyy, there is no doubt that you should be joining them soon.

Oh, and anyone who makes that much money, they need to donate to get a good tax break. Or, perhaps it’s a type of compensation for his deep seeded knowledge of his own lack of real artistic and humanistic worth.

“don’t knock them either, imitation IS the best form of flattery.”

Imitation without innovation is to be claimed by the evolutionary detail known as survival of the fittest. But by your inherent lack of attention to obvious details, and utter lack of vocabulary, I wouldn’t expect that you’d know what that is. This imitation of which you speak, is only an effort to cash in on what big corporate media (Clear Channel and Ticket Master for example, who are out to get your money as effectively as any tobacco company) happen to be pushing. These ‘musical’ items and ‘imitations’ are that which appeals to the lowest common denominator. So, Mandyyyy, let me put this into terms that you might understand:

In essence, all they are doing is attempting to polish the same turd over and over. And only a fool would not see that all one would receive from this process is brown hands and a foul stench firmly rooted under the fingernails.

“losers.
mandyyyy”

Once again, let me commend you on your sharp verbal sparring skills and… oh wait… you don’t have any! Mandy… y… y… y? Why? Because, you mow my lawn and pay me a dollar an hour for the privilege. You suck and should be destroyed! Go feel warm and fuzzy in the empty glow of the status quo you contemptible concoction of American Commercial pop art sleaze and Hello Kitty handbags! Save your pesos and maybe you can get a nice life like those you see in the Pepsi ads! Wouldn’t that be great!?

I wave my private parts at your aunties! I fart in your general direction! Now go away, or I will taunt you a second time!

Paddy

Posted by: Paddy Leitsch on May 28, 2005 at 12:11 PM MDT

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 23 replies

Dave Matthews has to die if I want to keep my sanity.

2007-10-27T03:36:08Z

(another classic find from the net)

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB <dell_fargus.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-04-03 00:28:08

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He is every-freakin-place that I go. The guy in the next cubicle pollutes my air with the high-pitched whinings from the man for 40+ hours a week. Cars next to me at the redlight blare his bile through subwoofers that sound like sneakers in the dryer. The chicks that frequent my local corner watering hole seem put twenty dollars into the jukebox and play seven hours worth of his bad cover tunes. The bastard was actually put on the cover of this month's Relix magazine, which I refuse to read for that reason. Tonight, I have absofuckinglutely had it: Dave Matthews has to die if I want to keep my sanity.

He used to be cool. I remember that he had a song on the FM radio that played constantly in the summer of '95 (the one that goes Whadd-a-would you saaay.) He couldn't just be a one-hit-wonder and simply fade into the same obscurity as Tommy Tu-Tone and the guy that sang Rock Me Amadeus. But nooooo, he had to stick around and tour posing under the guise of a jam band. To some dumb college kids, the words "jam" and "band" used in the same sentence instantly translate into "Duuuude, lets split a six-pack of Natural Light and a joint between the twelve of us and act like a bunch of assholes in the lot until we get either arrested or chased." The Dave Matthews Band is to music what Michelob Ultra is to beer.

You may ask, "Bob, why do you dislike the man so much?" I have many reasons. Everywhere you see a gal wearing those little Malcolm X-type glasses, you can rest assured that outside, there is a white, oval-shaped sticker on her car with the letters DMB printed on it in black. If you try to strike up ant form of conversation with this person, she'll inevitably have to mention "the Central Park Concert" or the "warehouse" or something about prancing nancies. This makes me go absolutely apeshit!

He tries to compare himself to Jerry Garcia. You could dig Jerry Garcia up and he would still have more musical talent in his right pinky* than Dave Matthews ever had - period.

The most brazen thing about The Dave Matthews Band is the actual name of the band. He gives absolutely zero credit to the other guys in the band that actually have talent and carried his sorry ass to where he is today. Dave Matthews is probably the least able member of The Dave Matthews Band. He gives those other guys absolutely zero credit. Any of them could be replaced at any time, for any reason, and 99.99% of the public would be none the wiser. It would still be The Dave Matthews Band.

For all of the above reasons, I feel that Dave Matthews has to die.

*Disclaimer*:
I wish no harm to anyone, even the most annoying people in the world: those chicks that shave off their eyebrows and pencil fake ones back. If anything happens to Dave Matthews in the next few hours it is not my doing because after a few Bass Ales & even more Red Hooks, I am barely able to get out of my own way. Yes, I'm off the wagon tonight.

*Footnote: Jerry Garcia was missing his right pinky finger.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 5 replies

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

2007-09-12T18:06:09Z

GO DAVE! GUESS WHAT. MIAMI U IS NUMBER 4 IN THE "WIN A FREE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND CONCERT" CONTEST!!!! I'M GOING IF THEY WIN!!!!!!!!!

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

gone a-moderatin'

2007-09-10T05:15:38Z

so i've tightened up the reigns and deleted all offending topics. yay for moderator superpowers!

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

Where the hell is the moderator???

2007-09-07T22:41:34Z

Keep the integrity of this tribe intact, please. It is the Dave Matthews SUCKS tribe. Not the " I have a bleeding heart for a crappy band" tribe.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 3 replies

Global Warming Concert

2007-09-03T19:43:01Z

Can't believe no one has posted about what a HORRIBLE performance this man gave. So fucking boring, dull and irritating. Why is he famous? He is certainly not talented and not attractive. Where does he get the gonads to continue making music?

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 4 replies

Dave Crapews Band

2007-08-27T00:32:50Z

Hello everyone. I would like to start out by saying I hate the Dave Crappews Band with a passion. Dave sings like he has a dick down his throat. He plays guitar worse than most 7 year olds. He has a talented band backing him up, I can't deny that. Oh how they heil Boyd as a virtuoso violin player.....Get an electric guitar player for christs sake. I love how everyone gets pissed when you don't like DMB. The only reason anyone likes him is because it's cool to be socially accepted with everyone favorite band. Oh and about his live preformances. Because he drags out a song for 20 min does not make it good. More like piss to my ears. And why the fuck does everyone refer to the band as "dave" Hello???? He fucking sucks a swetty nutsack. At least call it The Boyd Tinsley Band jeeeze. Most people who listen to him barely even know more than three musical genres. Rap....."Dave"....."Dave". Actually make that two. People need to open up to some real music and some real bands. FUCK DuMB!!!!!!!!!!!

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 2 replies

You know it. I know it. The American People know it.

2006-11-15T07:43:59Z

Quote of the day:

"You and I both know that Dave Matthews sucks. It’s true. You know it. I know it. The American People know it. Don’t feel bad. I felt the same way when I was 13 and someone told me Styx sucks. It was true but I refused to accept it. " -- Preston Taylor Holmes, November 26th, 2005

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

DAVE'S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS--WTF!

2006-11-15T07:19:26Z

Whether he looks like he's sucking on a lemon or whether it looks like he's biting his tongue one thing is true: He always has a ridiculous look on his face.

His fans are horrible.

His music is deplorable.

But I just wanted to remind people that his face sucks, too.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 2 replies

You guys are awesome

2006-11-13T00:55:34Z

There is some funny shit in here... Ive been going down the whole list laughing at everything... and then theres the posts from people who love the band (I am one of them, but I dont care... its a free country, do what you want)... They come in and try and defend the band and all that shit... It just makes them look like a bunch of fucking retards (thats pretty much why I wrote this). I dont really care that you dont like the Dave Matthews Band.
Im going to keep this in my favorites so I can laugh at all the shit you come up with, and to see who the next retard is to come in here and try to say that the Dave Matthews Band is god and you guys are too jelous to listen to him... it just makes me laugh...

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

bout fucking time

2006-08-12T16:53:50Z

just joined this tribe

thx, for being thrt - i can't stant DM

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 3 replies

why dave matthews likes balls...

2006-08-12T16:51:47Z

ersonally, I'd rather get fist-fucked by a hobo than sit through a Dave Matthews concert. But that's just me.

One thing I always thought was funny was the "Everyday" video. Seriously, are you aware that that he made a video for that song in which a retarded man was walking through a town giving hugs to strangers? This was seriously, the worst video ever shown on TV. The DMB's new cd's are encrypted so that you can't play or record it on your computer. Good thing I don't listen to the DMB, because If I did, the CD would be of no use to me if I couldn't put it on my ipod/computer, and I would have returned it to the store the same fucking day and boycotted the flaming dave mathhews band. Take it back, claim false advertising, and say that it's not a CD because it doesn't work.

As if a voice that sounded like a cat being run over by a car wasn't enough, and meaningless lyrics close to perversion for guys with zero game, thinking that dave matthews band is going to help get them laid, here's another reason to hate the DMB. The DMB tour bus dumped 800 ponds of human waste onto a boat with passengers on a Chicago architecture trip. Like.. that's a pretty outrageous story I think. So not only does Dave Matthews pollute our culture with his music, he actually shits on people trying to appreciate real art.

Why is it that Robert Plant could sing a falsetto and make me believe that he had some balls in his pants? Dave's falsetto assures listeners that the only balls in Dave Matthews life are the kind one uses to steep herbal tea. He loves getting tea-bagged I'm sure. I don't know why he uses his natural voice so infrequently, not that it's much better.

Thanks Dave Matthews, go FUCK YOURSELF.
...and that is why dave matthews band likes balls. =)

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 2 replies

Where is all...?

2006-08-12T16:51:07Z

Where is all the hate?

If Dave Matthews makes you feel hate then open your heart and let it out!!

DMB Suxx /yawn!

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 2 replies

W4W 40

2006-08-11T08:17:36Z

You people can eat a sugar frosted turd. You seriously have no better things to do than to sit around and bash on people. Maybe you should find things that are more productive for you to do, like shaving your balls, or waxing that fucking Chupacabra below you belly button. The irony is that I am bashing on you.... and I am a hypocrite right... well... I would rather be that, that an self-absorbed, egocentric, chubby plugging, hairy taint-licking, pickle salad loving, at the Y eating person such as yourself... posting hate... you keep the perpetual motion of sickness going... not that there is anything wrong with that right... I mean... you see nothing wrong right? Thats the thing about a bottom: you decide where it is at !! A new low for your life, and the sad thing is that you cant even tell... hahahaha... suck on the motherfucker...

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

Thanks!!

2006-05-30T17:26:27Z

I came across this site while googling myself... (wow that sounds odd)... I had completely forgotten about this post.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

Dave Matthews can shit on a plate and eat it ... redux...

2006-02-23T17:33:30Z

From: http://www.blacktable.com/blair050603.htm

Letters to Amy Balir in response to the original DuMB = Shit eater off plate column...

----------------------------------------
File it under: You don't deserve to breath the same air as Dave Matthews, you stupid cunt, Amy Blair

Doodette,
You must be one of those dorky chix who just never get laid.

So sorry. Someday some phat dude (assuming you like doods) will turn you out and turn you over, and you won't have to bitch any more, girl.

You just need some hotness, woman, then Dave Matthews won't matter so much.
You be so achin'...

PDR

***

relax, it seems like that black table of yours is stuck in your ass sideways or something. i stumbled across this article, unfortunally. maybee you should do something more productive with you time instead of writing crap. I think your beloved MTV is starting to effect your brain. i mean i can't believe you watch MTV. well you must be an adolecent. understood. well you better get back in front of the tv so you dont miss britney's latest
video.
Aloha

***

You are the most ignorant person to have ever existed. Yes, it is understandable that you can dislike Dave Matthews and his music. A lot of people do and they are entitled to their opinions. But you give no real reasons why he should shit on a plate and eat it. You mock the man for ridiculous gestures. Shame on you and I hope you are the first person to eat his shit.

Josh

***

hello,
you fat cock. for one thing i bet Dave Matthews has a lot more tallent with a Guitar then you could ever dream of and probily ever will have. i dont see why you feel the need to go bash on Dave Matthews. Maybe Dave as so many fans because he accualy keeps a close connection with them. Dave earned his fans the old fasion way and will continue to do so. as you can probily tell Dave Matthews is my favorite Guitarest and song writer. And as a normal american i did in fact see his music video Everyday and whats wronge with giving out a little bit of love. I bet your one of those people that does nothing but sit around their appartment all day, playing computer games jack off. you get so bored with your own pitifull life that you feel the need to bash on people that are better then you and that have more respect then you. Pathedic. why dont you find somthing more to do with your life. I would like to know why you can't find any more reasons why Dave Matthews sucks so much then one of his music Videos, a concert, and a fuckin CD. "save me, save me, mister walking man" might be the part of that song you were so confused about. you just so happened to drop your hearing aid and thought you heard other wise i'm sure.
Well. i think that if you E-Mail me back with some real reasons why "Dave Matthews can go suck a big cock" then i will give your side of this argument a listen. in the mean time, maybe you should be thinking about some other way of getting attention. and posibly get out more besides sit around and watch T.V. all fuckin day ya dick terd.
-Peace

***

its "Save me, Mr. WALKING man" u idiotic blonde bitch! his music is damn good and i dont give a fuck what assholes like u think.................just be glad the Dave Matthews never has to read u wrote.....................if i had seen that article (if u even call it that.............as a writer i am even more offended) sooner, trust me, u would have gotten it
harder...................only a brainless slut can stoop as low as u did to critize someone like that.........god ppl like u piss me off

.................

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 3 replies

Avoid the poop deck

2005-12-02T00:22:59Z

OH, goody goody.
***********************************************
On February 3-6, 2006, Dave Matthews & Friends will be performing on a secret island in the Bahamas and you are invited to take a cruise to the concert! Two spectacular eco-friendly ships, the Majesty of the Seas and the Sovereign of the Seas, will sail in tandem to a secret island in the Bahamas, a weekend musical adventure that is destined to be a once-in-a lifetime experience.

Several artists have been hand-picked for this special occasion, including Bob Weir & Ratdog, G. Love and Special Sauce, Toots & the Maytals, Ozomatli, Mike Doughty's Band, North Mississippi Allstars and many more. The artists will be performing on both ships, giving fans the opportunity to see some of their favorite bands in unique settings. Exciting events, delectable cuisine, two private island destinations and an exclusive group of fans will make the experience unforgettable.

Friday, February 3, 2006 kicks off a welcoming party on the pool deck. Live entertainment, dancing and other activities will continue all evening and into the early hours in the ships' wide assortment of venues: themed lounges, nightclubs, pools, restaurants and casinos. The ships will be sailing through tropical waters when fans awake on Saturday.

The ships will anchor in Nassau, Bahamas on Saturday morning, February 4, 2006, and all passengers will have a chance to enjoy the ship or the shore throughout the day. That evening will culminate with the Dave Matthews & Friends show on the beach, under the stars, among the swaying palms... Following the concert, fans may enjoy a late-night dance party into the wee hours of the morning.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

Try Living in Grosse Pointe...

2005-09-30T01:51:08Z

Talk about Dave Matthews capital of america, everyone here seems obsessed with the Dave Crappews Band (it was once said that dave matthews doesnt like playing shows around here because everyone sings along with him and it confuses him) The thing that I can't seem to understand is why does everyone, or anyone for that matter like him. And the thing that gets on my nerves is everyone calling him "Dave", even though hes obviously the least talented member of the band, they dont listen to the dave matthews band, they listen to "Dave". Despite myself being a musician, and obviously having more musical knowledge then most of my peers, it seems to be the "cool" thing to do to listen to "jam bands". No one seems to understand that a few years ago, it was the cool thing to do to listen to "who let the dogs out" But despite your best arguments, Dave Matthews band fans are hardcore in their stupidity.
Fuck Dave Matthews.
PS... he dumps his own feces in rivers. what an asshole

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

"people say I look like Dave Matthews"

2005-08-19T02:54:42Z

http://www.campuskiss.com/members/geostud01.pop

Scroll down to: USELESS STUFF: A LOVER ONCE DESCRIBED MY LOOKS AS...

-----------------------

Looks like some people hate him.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

Enough with the falsettos

2005-08-17T21:16:50Z

Wow, I had no idea that there were DuMB haters out there like. I can't believe it. So here's the shit that I hate being asked;
1) You don't like Dave? Why not?
A: for one, why does everyone call him Dave? Do they all know him? I guess they have a personal bond with him for listening to his songs so intimately, does that mean they were all tugging it to him?
Secondly, what is there to like? Sure he has an all star band behind him, glad he rode them the top but give them some credit, call the band something else instead of naming it after the least talented member. Could you imagine going to see the Ringo Starr band in the 60's?
I don't like 'Dave' because the guy can's sing period. He has this nasal ass voice complete with a bucket of phlegm, and to top it off he growls all the time live, and throws in falsettos in the most awkward situations, come on no one does that, and for good reasons.
2) He must be doing something right.
A: Yeah so did Hansen, pretty talented fellas there, enough said? Green Day? Nickelback, keep going?
Naw
3) The worst of it all is when you are in a room with 10 DuMb fans and they bring it up.
A: You can't win, regardless if you are know to know more about music that all of them combined, can't win.

Anyways it was good to find you all,
Peace

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

Dave Matthews is..

2005-07-23T19:24:57Z

The New Wesley Crusher!

Glad to have found this place.

[JC]2

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 5 replies

Because of Winn-Dixie

2005-06-08T22:06:45Z

from http://www.buffalobeast.com/69/kino69.htm

The problem with a lot of children’s movies is that they only try to entertain the kids. There’s really no incentive for adults to bother, with the exception of the relief of stopping a nagging child dead in their tracks. The better children’s movies keep children entertained as well as engage adults.

Because of Winn-Dixie is not one of those movies. It’s one of the formulaic kids’ movies that features a lonely little kid who meets a dog that becomes her best friend in a world where no one understands her. Of course there’s conflict and, when all works out in the end, there’s the parent who lets the kid keep the dog. It’s enough to make you cry—or puke.

The story is told at a third-grade reading level and works under the crass presumption that everyone who will ever view it is weighed down by extra chromosomes and third nipples. But, while I normally consider it an insult to see a movie that’s told to me in car salesman style, that’s not even the worst part of it all.

The strychnine in the shitpile comes in the form of Dave Matthews. That’s right, Dave Matthews. The same Dave Matthews who is the scourge of the music industry. The same Dave Matthews who is loved by idiotic college students everywhere who are well into their seventh year of college. The same Dave Matthews who writes music that anyone who still has a fraction of a clue could listen to a billion times and still not get. Just like they wouldn’t understand what the hell he’s doing in this movie.

The Demonic One plays a pet store owner who pulls out his guitar and plays a little ditty whenever the animals in the shop get whipped up.

I’m not a parent myself (as if you hadn’t guessed), but I do have a novel idea. It’s going to seem a little out there, but just bear with me. Instead of taking your kid or any kid to see this movie, why don’t you read them a book? Take them to a library. A museum. Even a parking lot would be better than subjecting them to this kind of crapola. The fact of the matter is that this story is going to be told a million times more in your kid’s and even your lifetime. You don’t need to see this one.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

DAVE MATTHEWS CAN SHIT ON A PLATE AND EAT IT.

2005-06-07T19:00:14Z

From: http://www.blacktable.com/blair030926.htm

WEEK IN CRAIG: DAVE MATTHEWS CAN SHIT ON A PLATE AND EAT IT.
By Amy Blair 09.26.03

Dave Matthews can go suck a big cock.

As everyone knows, he played a free concert in Central Park this week, and, much to my shock and horror, thousands and thousands of people showed up.

Personally, I'd rather get fist-fucked by Ann Coulter than sit through a Dave Matthews concert. But that's just me.

Granted, I can certainly understand the appeal of the free concert in Central Park. I saw Paul Simon's free concert years ago, and it was amazing. Seriously, give me Bridge Over Troubled Water and a bunch of aging hippies any day over that Alpha Gamma Epsilon bullshit-ballad Crash Into Me.

Are any of these Dave Matthews fans aware that he actually made a video for that Everyday song in which a retarded man was walking through a town offering hugs to strangers? This was, seriously, the worst video to ever appear on MTV. How is it possible to continue to buy the albums of the man that made this video? How?

He also has commercials on TV right now for his new "solo" album, Some Devil. Have you seen these commercials? I swear to god, there's a song on there that goes "Save me, save me Mr. Waffle Man." I am scared of these commercials. In fact, I'm fairly certain that Some Devil is the work of Ol' Beelzebub himself -- I mean, who else could create something this fucking awful and then convince a bunch of people to buy it? It's Faust meets Animal House in the worst possible way.

Most frightening of all, however, is the fact that by about 9 a.m. on Thursday morning (the day after the concert), there were already a bunch of Missed Connections posted on craigslist from the concert. I have never been so glad that I decided to stay home on a Wednesday evening watching Court TV and eating Chinese food. The legions of white baseball-capped Rutgers grads swarming the streets of Manhattan might have been enough to finally put me over the edge. Nothing like back-to-back episodes of Forensic Files, Szechuan-style, to take your mind off of the burden of frat boys. Blech.

The DMB MC nightmare all began with this post:

Girl In Abercrombie Shirt At Dave Matthews Band - m4w - 23

This is to the girl in the Abercrombie Shirt at the Dave Matthews Show tonight

you know who you are,

if someone else who knows you sees this please forward it to her

First of all, can you be more vague? I mean, I wasn't there, but I can't imagine that there were any less than 50,000 women at that concert wearing Abercrombie shirts. That's like saying "to the girl on the subway wearing shoes" or "to the guy at the Dave Matthews concert wearing a braided leather belt." If you really want to find this lovely lady with the impeccable style, you're going to have to try harder than that, babykins.

Then there was this one:

We danced at DMB last night... - m4w - 22

We danced together at the end of the show and started talking right before the encores. You and your friend go to NYU and i made fun of you from being from Boston.

I wish i had gotten your number before I left but i needed to meet my friends.I doubt you will see this but email me if you do.

Ok. I really, really want to believe in the power of romance. I really do. I want to be able to believe that love can conquer all -- even dancing to a Dave Matthews encore. But I'm sorry -- I just can't get over that DMB hump. I'll take spinstahood 4-ever if it means never having to try to knock boots after a Dave Matthews concert. Word?

Same goes for this post -- how do you connect over a free Dave Matthews ticket to a free Dave Matthews concert? And, who the hell is willing to pay $20 for it?

MC with the girl I gave the dave mathews ticket to. - m4w - 26

You had blondish brown hair. I gave you a ticket to DMB accross the street from central park west 72nd st and you offered $20 even though you knew I would give you the ticket free. I was the asian guy with a denim jacket spikey messy hair. It was cool to see you so happy and join your friends who already had tickets. Hope you enjoyed the show, email me if you read this.

A quick Google search for "Dave Matthews lyrics" brought up some shining examples of his poetic genius:

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
Slip into my lover's hands
Kiss me won't you kiss me now
And sleep I would inside your mouth
Don't be us too shy
For knowing it's no big surprise that I will wait for you I will wait for no one but you

And sleep I would inside your mouth??? For fuck's sake, this guy sucks. $20? If the world was a good place, you couldn't give tickets to his concert away if they were hidden inside a pizza box in Ethiopia.

Seriously.

Last one -- check out this little gem:

MET HEATHER @ DMB>>>>>VIP SECT - m4w

anyone know Heather?????@ DMB in VIP sect....i was rather smittened w/her

she was blond---camo pants----flip flops

This has nothing to do with how much Dave Matthews can go shit on a plate and eat it, but if I hear one more person say "camo" pants or "camo" jacket, I swear to god I'm going to pack my non-camo bags and go all Walden Pond and shit. People, for the record, "camo" is not OK.

Anyway, I have nothing more to say on the subject. Um, like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay me down.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 2 replies

Julia Roberts' taste sucks

2005-06-06T20:09:39Z

Excerpt from:
http://www.radarmagazine.com/web-only/the-gossip-quiz/2005/06/brooke-back-in-anger.php

-----
... Now try our trivia challenge.

by Julie Bloom & Derek De Koff

3. According to In Touch, Julia Roberts is such a huge fan of musician Dave Matthews that she did what?

A. Named her daughter Hazel after an obscure Dave Matthews Band B-side.
B. Sang his songs to her unborn twins while they were still in the womb.
C. Lifted her top in the band’s direction at a recent Denver show.
D. Is underwriting a Mike Farrell-hosted PBS documentary on the band.
E. Doodled DM + JR all over the script of her new animated movie, Ant Bully.

ANSWERS: .... 3) B; .....

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

DuMB wants to kill your computer

2005-05-24T22:33:51Z

http://photomatt.net/2005/05/13/dave-matthews-stand-up/

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 1 reply

sheesh

2005-05-18T18:40:02Z

Honorary Degree Awarded to Matthews at Haverford College: http://www.weeklydavespeak.com/news/Honorary_Degree_Awarded_To_Dave_Matthews_Harverford_College_051605.php

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 6 replies

DAVE matthews CAN shit ON a PLATE and EAT it!

2005-05-18T07:47:55Z

I just thought we neede three posts with the same title.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 2 replies

another rant

2005-03-16T20:56:48Z

http://www.ubersite.com/m/29283

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

Dave Matthews Infiltration Uncovered

2005-03-16T00:01:18Z

by Gianni RandomSchtuff

Tragic facts about rock star Dave Matthews:

1. Named "Male Acoustic Guitarist of the Year" for two years in a row.

2. More people saw DMB last year than any other band.

* * * * *

Opinion: I'm not surprised that a talentless artist such as Dave Matthews sells millions of records because, in fact, most of the people that sell millions of records pretty much suck. My problem is this: Dave Matthews fans are spreading.

It seems as if shallow girls and frat boys with shiny jeeps and baseball caps are no longer the only DMB fans. This fucker has now somehow infiltrated and convinced good people that like good music, of this: That he is good.

Case in Point #1: You're hangin' out, talking to this cute girl, and the conversation is flowin'.

You bring up music, and she's into some of the same shit as you. You're stoked, it's almost too good to be true! Suddenly, her eyes light up and she passionately reveals to you how "this one Dave Matthews song" ... does it for her.

The bubble is burst. Rather than express your true feelings about DMB, you turn quiet and withdrawn. You feel guilty for being such a music snob. It's a CLASSIC fuct scenario that has happened too many times.

Case in Point #2: You're at a small gathering with a seemingly cool crew. Someone unexpectedly throws DMB in the player. Soon they can sense your dislike of DMB from a subtle facial expression.

Finally someone pipes up and says, "What's up, dude? You don't like Dave?"

Instead of getting into some no-win music debate, you shrink back with a simple reply that, "He's alright."

Conclusion: As observed, it is NOT cool to NOT like Dave Matthews.

Readers must stay aware of this new and dangerous Dave Matthews social faux pas. But I know there are at least three people in this world that feel the way I do about DMB, and I pray there are more.

Dave Matthews, stop infiltrating our scene, and stop making your gullible, brainwashed followers believe with such vigor that you are a good musician.

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 2 replies

Craptism

2005-03-14T21:01:03Z

http://www.thetrenchcoat.com/archives/category/dmb-anti-christ/

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

Dave Matthews Band Fans Suck

2005-03-14T00:51:22Z

Has anyone else noticed that they are all trust fund hippies who fancy themselves deadheads, but just can't bring themselves to do enough drugs or get really stinkin' dirty!

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies

Dave Matthews can shit on a plate and eat it.

2005-03-12T03:03:20Z

By Amy Blair, 09.26.03

http://www.blacktable.com/blair030926.htm

posted in Dave Matthews sucks - 0 replies