by Matt Loker, prefers John Mayer

In a paper published in the scientific journal Nature, behavioral scientists at Duke University have concluded that Dave Matthews is annoying in every conceivable way, up to and including his breathing. It was catalogued as “labored” and “having a little whistle.”
The team of researchers, led by Psychologist Emmet Forbes, pored over all available evidence to disprove the oft-heard colloquialism, “Everything Dave Matthews does is annoying.” What they found amazed even the most skeptical of the faculty.
“Yep. Everything. He can’t even use the bathroom without being annoying,” commented Dr. Forbes. “When he tried that, his leavings ended up all over a boatful of tourists.” There was also the unfortunate incident of his VH1 Storytellers appearance, which science measured at an off-the-charts 73 Daly Units.
When asked for his response, Matthews looked way too far into your eyes and made a fart sound with his mouth. He then added a box of Kashi Friends cereal to his Trader Joe’s basket, which also contained a stick of that organic deodorant that never works well enough.

from Heuristic Squelch, UC Berkeley's satire publication trying to be like the Onion
www.squelched.com/